How To Disappear Completely Read online

  “She told me that she was going out with him tonight, but she didn’t say where.”

  “That’s what you were chatting with her online about, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah.”

  I shook my head. It was all so stupid. Really I had no right to be angry, but I was. I wasn’t used to having that amount of the feeling inside me and my body wasn’t sure how to cope with it. ‘Who’s this new kid in town?’ my cells asked as my blood temperature rose.

  “Josh, I’m sorry. I know this must be hard for you.”

  That was an unusual thing to say, I thought. As she realized what can of worms she may have accidentally opened, it made me wonder out loud: “Did she really just meet him?” I asked. Nicole’s face answered for her, looking tired from all the emotional strain it had to withstand all night. Again I shook my head. “How long?”

  “A few weeks or so.”

  “Is he why she said no to me?”

  “He was probably part of it.”

  The anger inside started a reign of terror over my body–a coup of unimaginable tyranny, I found myself unable to control my motor functions. I just wanted to scream. That prick was the reason all of this happened?! Mr. Nice Guy with the $100 haircut and $300 shoes. Nicole was rubbing my arm though I couldn’t feel anything except pain and anger. I looked at her and saw her sifting through words and rearranging them in her head, like a magnetic word jumble on the fridge, trying to find the right combination that would make things right.

  “Let’s go somewhere and get a drink.”

  “I think I’d rather drink at home. I’m not in the mood for people, loud music and yelling.”

  “You can come over to my place if you want, unless you want to be alone.”

  “I’ll decide when we get to your place.”

  “Ok. Josh. I just want to help. I know this is hard for you, but I want to be here for you. The whole thing hurts me too.”

  “I know.”

  “Let’s just take a cab. It’s cold.”

  “I want to walk.”

  “Ok.” Her grip on my arm tightened trying to absorb some of the heat emanating from the oven within my skin.

  We walked the mile or so back to her apartment and I decided for some reason to come up. I definitely wanted a drink, and thought I wanted to avoid people in general. I didn’t really want to drink alone, so Nicole was the best bet. She poured us some drinks and handed me mine after I slumped onto her sofa and kicked my shoes off pushing the heels with my toes. I took a sip, leaned my head back and closed my eyes. “Can we put on some quiet music or something?”

  “Sure what do you want to hear?”

  “Do you have Kid A?”

  “Of course I do.”

  It was rare for anyone, especially for a group of people, to just sit and listen to music anymore. Sure it was always in the background at parties, but no one actually listened to it. Instead they just yelled over the top of it to hear each other, making everyone else yell louder in turn. I didn’t feel like yelling or really even talking and hoped that Nicole could sense that somehow. As she slouched right next to me on the couch, I wondered what our dynamic was going to be. Everything, in it’s right place, Thom Yorke whispered as she rested her head on my shoulder. We sat there for the duration of the album just listening and thinking to ourselves. I mulled around through my own garden of doubts, trying to find any weeds to pluck out, while Nicole was off somewhere I didn’t know, probably trying to make sense of her own relationship with Allison.

  At first, all I could find inside was anger. Anger at Allison for moving on so quickly, anger at Nicole for being so close with me and not telling me. Anger at happenstance for its absurd timing. Anger at myself for being so angry. I hated being angry and every time I got this angry it made me more angry at the fact that I was so angry. I realized though that I couldn’t really be mad at any of those things. The cacophonous ending of “The National Anthem” pulled all the anger out from under my feet and I fell back.

  I felt an odd calm come into me, through the top of my head right as “How to Disappear Completely” made its entrance. I was always of the mindset that whatever will be, will be. We can only just try to control our own lives, that because our lives are so hopelessly entangled in the choices of others, we can never have full control over our destiny or fate or purpose or whatever you want to call it. The choices we make define us, of course, but so do the choices of everyone around us whether we know them or not. Instead of contemplating what-if scenarios, I always just tried to accept things.

  Why shouldn’t Allison have gone out with some guy? He seemed like a nice guy, a tool, but a nice guy. I hadn’t talked to her in almost a week and she was pretty convinced that I wasn’t going back. Who can blame her? Granted, he was the reason she didn’t want to stay with me, but then again I had my own doubts about everything between us. He could have just rescued me from a life that I wouldn’t want in the end. Maybe everyone would be happier this way after all. There is always the possibility of a better life with every change that we face, but sometimes we have to look hard for it. I read a book once that asked me to write out a list of every bad thing that had happened to me and then write all the good things that came out of each bad thing. There were always at least a few. Sometimes they were things that changed my life completely. For the better.

  Apparently I had fallen asleep in the garden I was tending in my head and had been gone for a while. With my epiphany that everything was probably pretty ok, the album had finished and the apartment rested silently. Nicole had fallen asleep. In a mirror across the room, I could see her face reflected. She truly was beautiful and for a few moments I studied her face as an artist might, preparing for a portrait. For a second, I wished that I could draw or paint so that I could capture her the way I saw her. Then I though that even if I wanted to, I could never get her just right and would feel terrible that I ruined such a beautiful face. I used to feel that way about Allison too and realized that I was beginning to have a skewed perspective on love. When you believe that life is ever-evolving, it’s hard to imagine yourself with one person, and I wondered how long this feeling with Nicole would last before one of us moved on.

  I shook the feeling off like a wet dog and thought that it would be silly to go through life with that attitude. Even if that were the case, we should still be able to enjoy each other for the time that we have together. As lightly as I could, I moved Nicole’s head from resting on me to resting on the back of the sofa. After another good look at her, I leaned in and kissed her. She woke up, slightly startled at first, jerking a bit out of her sleep, but then settled back into a relaxed position and wrapped her fingers around the back of my neck, tousling my hair. My hands roamed over her body as if I were cautiously driving in a new city, unsure of the streets. She reached down and grabbed my shirt with both hands, pulling it above my head.

  Slowly we made our journey over to her bed, leaving a trail of our clothes behind us like a twisted adult version of Hansel and Gretel.

  Chapter 12

  When I woke up the next morning, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt refreshed as if I had been hibernating with the bears all winter. Nicole was asleep, still naked, and thanks to some well-placed sheets her whole body looked laid out like a fine Renoir. I was hoping she wouldn’t wake up for a few minutes just so I could take all of her in for a while longer. Right as the thought came to my head she opened her eyes and pulled the sheets up over herself–not out of shame, but out of necessity. It was a chilly Boston morning. She snuggled up next to me and put her head on my chest dragging her fingertips across and around my stomach.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” she whispered.

  “I feel wonderful. You?”

  “Me too.”

  “Last night was just what I needed.” Realizing how that might sound, I decided to explain further. “I love that we just sat there listening to music in our own worlds of thought. I don’t think people do that anymore.
I love that we did.”

  “Me too. I’m so glad you decided to stay,” she said, taking a deep breath. I imagined that she was recounting the whole night’s experience. I ran my hands around the small of her back as she moved her fingers around my body. She had the softest touch and I tried hard to mimic her performance. She turned slightly to face me and kissed me. If the next scene were in a movie, the camera would have drawn backwards and out the window to keep things at a PG-13 rating.

  She jumped into the shower and I decided to make us some breakfast. I found a few eggs in the fridge and started up the oven. Cracking the eggs on the edge of the pan to a loud sizzle, I let my mind wander to Nicole in the shower. I smiled to myself when I realized that this time I didn’t have to try so hard to picture her naked in the shower. I didn’t know how she liked her eggs, but the last time she made me eggs they were scrambled so I decided that was the best bet. I wondered though if she was just trying to make what she thought I’d like. Eventually we’d find out the way each other liked their eggs and we wouldn’t have to wonder, but for the time being it was fun guessing. And besides, neither of us cared if the other was wrong, we were just glad to be around each other. That’s how things should always be, I thought.

  Just as the eggs were getting done, the sound of the shower stopped. Perfect timing. She walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, her hair still dark and wet. Girls never look as good as they do when they get out of the shower, at least the ones that don’t need a great deal of makeup. I smiled as I looked up at her. Feeling self-conscious after a moment, she asked “What?”

  “I’m just looking at you,” I answered quietly. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

  I wondered for a moment what it would be like to say that to her every day, but quickly brushed the thought off. It was way too early to think about that sort of thing. She must have thought she was out of my view as she was getting dressed, but her strategically placed mirrors allowed me to watch her. It’s amazing how different people act when they think no one is watching, even if they’re in the same room. I can’t say that she did anything unusual or weird while getting dressed, just that I felt like she did things a little bit differently, with a little less elegance.

  Presentation has been proven to be important for just about any aspect of life and I had hoped to create a great ambiance, but with eggs, toast and little else it was hard to create a mood. “I love the smell of eggs in the morning,” she said as if she knew that I was waiting for a confirmation. “Thank you,” she added as she kissed me lightly. “I have class for most of today, but you’re more than welcome to come over tonight. I’ll have to do some studying for a big test that I have tomorrow, but other than that I’m yours.”

  “I need to find myself some work. I was thinking about trying to write a review of the show last night. Though I’ll have to try and not write it as if I knew Allison was there the whole time.”

  “I think you should. I love that we have a reason to go see shows now. Did you ever hear back from the Wally and the Whale?”

  “I haven’t looked at a computer since yesterday. I guess I’ll find out when I head home.”

  “Well, now that I have nothing to hide on my computer, you’re welcome to use this one.” She said it unsure of how I would take it, but as it turned out we were both ready to laugh about it. And we did. After what we both went through the night before it was hard to still be upset at each other.

  “Well, thanks, but I’ll probably head home, whenever you have to leave, and get started trying to really sort my life out.”

  “That sounds like a good plan.” She was genuinely happy and for the first time in a while, so was I. As we finished our eggs and toast, her curiosity begged her to ask, “Josh, I’m just curious. What did you do with the ring that you bought for Allison?”

  Why, do you want it?” Even though it was a joke it was a dumb thing to say, so I quickly followed with a normal answer. “I still have it in my apartment somewhere. I suppose I’ll return it soon. I’ll certainly need the money since I haven’t found a damn job yet. At this point, I’d be fine with taking any stupid job just to make some money until I find something that was right for me. It’s ironic that I worked extra hard and saved as much as I could for that ring and now it’ll be the very thing that gets me through my unemployment.”

  “We’ll find you something.”

  With that, we got ready and walked out the door to face our day. Later, as I thought about the ring, I realized that I wasn’t exactly sure where I put it, so I left myself a mental Post-it to remember to grab it and return it later that day.

  ?

  “Let me know if you’re coming over later on, ok?”

  “Of course. Have a good day.”

  “You too.”

  The simplicity of our conversation was the important part. There wasn’t any crap, just life and we were living it. She kissed me lightly before she changed her course en route to the campus. I kept walking up and over the bridge back to Back Bay and back to my own apartment. Because it was only slightly out of the way I decided to stop into Sweet & Nasty to see what the word was there. Through the window, I could tell that Carrie was clearly having a hard time getting through the day. “Hey,” I said as I made my way through the door.

  “Hey Carrie. What’s going on?”

  “Oh, you know.”

  “No, actually I don’t. Maybe if I had a job here, I would. But I don’t.”

  She shook her head and smiled. “What are the chances that she was the one that you spilled that coffee on?”

  “About 1,000,834 to 1.” I said explaining that statistics was an odd hobby of mine.

  “Right. Well, I doubt you’ll get the job. You seem like an interesting guy, but there’s no way that she’s getting past whatever it is that you did or didn’t do to her.”

  “I know. I was just stopping in on my way home.”

  “Well Karen is actually expected in at some point soon so you may not want to be here.”

  “What else can she do to me, right?”

  “Ha,” She laughed awkwardly as if she didn’t know if she should or shouldn’t. “I suppose you’re right.”

  “Have you guys found anyone for the job yet?”

  “No, that’s actually why I’m a little flustered. I’m supposed to have the next few days off, but because no one can cover for me, I can’t.”

  “That’s a drag.” What can you say in a scenario like that?

  We stood there in awkward silence as we both looked around at the phallus-shaped candies and the extensive collection of vibrators and dildos.

  “Well,” I broke the silence, “I guess I’ll get going.”

  “Alright. I’ll remind Karen that you’re still interested, but like I said… ”

  “I don’t have a chance, I know. It’s OK.”

  “Take it easy.”

  “Will do.”

  As I made my way out I noticed Karen walking toward the store and debated whether or not to say anything. She was on the phone and couldn’t be bothered to see the cars that almost killed her as she crossed the street, so I figured that whatever I said would just float away in the breeze to another set of ears that wouldn’t care what they were hearing. I decided to ignore her and head home, so I and crossed the street before she would have been in range to notice me.

  I ran up my steps and into my apartment that for whatever reason suddenly seemed like a shit hole. It wasn’t until after I graduated and started living on my own that I realized the dorms I lived in all through college would be far better than any apartment I could actually afford. Especially now, with no job.

  As usual, the first thing I did was take a shower in the shower that knew and loved me. But this time, it didn’t quite feel right. I just kept thinking about Nicole and envisioning her in her shower and how she looked when she walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Unfortunately Allison popped into my head soon thereafter and ruined the whole fantasy. I started wondering if
she had slept with Sascha yet. It’s amazing how territorial people can be considering that statistically they’re going to be with someone else eventually, and so am I. In fact, I am with someone else, but it still upset me to think of Allison with someone else. Now that I was with Nicole, though, the feeling was probably more diluted than if I hadn’t been.

  Eventually I let thoughts of Allison flow down the drain with the rest of the dirt, sweat, anger, frustration and love from the night before, and I stepped out onto the cold tile. Much like my own mind, my computer never slept and was waiting to tell me all sorts of things that I had missed. I sorted my way through the junk mail and found the few messages that I’d actually want to read. One of them was from Allison. She never wrote me emails, so I knew that it had to be something awful. I decided against reading the 9-paragraph email for now. I’ll get to evaluating that dissertation later, I thought, and kept browsing. Signing onto Myspace, I noticed that a new message from Wally and the Whale had been dropped into my in box. Apparently they loved my review and were glad to have someone who was so attuned to music at their show. Of course they loved my review. All I did was praise them. They also mentioned that they had a new album coming out and would love to have me review it if I wanted to. Of course I asked them to mail me a CD and that I’d be glad to.

  I took a shot of confidence from someone liking my writing, no matter how trivial it was, and with a slight buzz I was ready to keep going with it. I tried to remember the show from the night before without Allison in it. It was surprisingly hard to do considering that for the last few days I hadn’t thought of her more than once or twice a day, if that. In my false memories of the previous night, Allison was always watching me, judging me. She never took her eyes off of me the whole time and it was making me absurdly uncomfortable. I couldn’t concentrate on the memory of the band’s performance because she just stood there watching me. If you imagine what it might feel like to have someone watching you as you pee, it’s probably the same feeling. You want to go, you have to go, but you just can’t with someone watching you like that. Something had to be done to shake this. I decided to face her. I was David and she was the Goliath of my thoughts. She had to be taken down. There was only one problem; she was going to be at work all day.